scary

today’s horror story

kingMy life is ruined.

Ok, too much drama and hyperbole there. My afternoon of gardening is ruined.

Ok, maybe not ruined. But side-tracked. I was walking along the retaining wall  showing Hector, our heavy-lifting-guy some things, and I’m poking around in the weeds trying to find the little lost hydrangea when suddenly he grabs me in a dramatic I’m-about-to-save-your-life-lady-so-don’t-get-hysterical-and-think-I’m-groping-you way.

My hand was a mere inch away from this three and a half foot snake.

That sneaky snake-in-the-grass. I wanted to hack it to death, after I stopped screaming.

Hector calmed me down and pointed out it’s a good snake to have around the house (impossible) and then, fairly sure I wasn’t going to faint, proceeded to chase the snake for more pictures so he could send them to his wife and make her scream.

Because we all know men have a 12-year-old version of themselves ready to play if the opportunity presents itself.

 

Day 2 of the little dusting that wanted to be a blizzard

Well, here we are, living in the new Ice Age, Atlanta-style. That means we have plenty of milk and bread. I wasn’t in town when the preparations were made, so I’m kind of afraid to check on the status of the toilet paper. Not too worried, though, cuz you know, this too shall pass.

BAHAHAHA. Sorry. I’m getting slap happy. Or stir crazy. Or whatever you people in really cold places call it. I might be calling it murder if things don’t loosen up soon.

Anyway, I digress. I intended to post about the beautiful snow and some darling little pictures of our dog romping around in the back yard and the scarlet hues of the cardinals as they eat from our feeder. You know, the quaint stuff that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.

And then the damn dog peed in my foyer, evidently because she is displeased with exposing her delicate butt to the formerly fluffy snow now glazed with about an inch of hard, cold ice. She fell. I almost fell. In the end, I was pissed (heh, heh-heh) but I understood. I had a rather shocking wake up this morning when I went for my morning…ablutions.

Yesterday, the snow was fresh, the excitement was contagious, and I didn’t have to work. I used my morning for housekeeping and cooking, and then played all afternoon.

Today I haven’t changed out of my pajamas. I’m not even wearing a bathrobe. I didn’t brush my hair, instead, putting it up in a top knot. I look a little bit like a Sumo Wrestler so I will consider my husband’s feelings and go get dressed.

I sat through the View.

I think this is how people get depressed.

Rumor has it more of the same tomorrow. It seems that the city is unable to recover, not from the snow, but the ice that has sandwiched it. If so, I think I’ll get up and wear a suit around the house.

It may be the only thing inspiring me to avoid Jerry Springer.

I think too much…

I spent the entire drive home contemplating naming residential developments.

I know, weird. It started when I saw the sign for Poplar Falls. Not only are there no poplars in an area infested with Bradford Pears, but there are no falls. Unless you count the drainage pipe that feeds the water retention pond.

So that got me to thinking: who gets to name the residential developments?

Is there some random name generator like my superhero name: Radioactive Midget (um, really, I’m not short).

Or my Mafia name: Jimmy “the Hips” Costello (I’m a little suspicious here–can they see me?).

On second thought, now it totally makes sense. I passed Falls with no falls, Springs with no springs, a Bluff with no cliffs, and of course, my favorite, Woods, with no trees.

These developers have no moral compass. It starts with a little neighborhood with a fancy name, and before you know it, we have universal healthcare.

Newspeak

If you haven’t read 1984, now is a good time to read it. On second thought, before November 4, 2008 would have been better timing. As they say, timing is everything, and we missed that boat, if you’ll pardon the mixed metaphor.

It seems that our Secretary of Homeland Security is on the one hand terrified of using the word terrorist when speaking about TERRORISTS…

Instead of referring to threats from terrorists, Janet Napolitano is referring in her speeches to “man-caused disasters.” In an interview, a reporter for Germany’s Spiegel Online asked Napolitano whether her avoidance of the term terrorism means that “Islamist terrorism suddenly no longer pose[es] a threat to your country?”

“Of course it does,” Napolitano replied. “I presume there is always a threat from terrorism. In my speech, although I did not use the word ‘terrorism,’ I referred to ‘man-caused’ disasters. That is perhaps only a nuance, but it demonstrates that we want to move away from the politics of fear toward a policy of being prepared for all risks that can occur.”

By this logic, the FBI should refer to serial killers and serial rapists as “man-caused afflictions.” After all, we do not want to create fear about serial killers.

…and on the other hand not at all shy about referring to conservatives as TERRORISTS-waiting-to-happen. I suppose my husband is suspect, since he’s been terrifying our children’s friends for years. It’s not the six foot three frame, the gruff demeanor, nor the booming bass that offends. Nope. It’s the service ribbon he wore so proudly on his Army uniform. That’s right. He’s a veteran. That qualifies him as a potential threat to the very country he served.

Astoundingly, as a Pro-Life Catholic, I seem to be a TERRORIST, too. 

Rightwing extremism in the United States can be broadly divided into those groups, movements, and adherents that are primarily hate-oriented (based on hatred of particular religious, racial or ethnic groups), and those that are mainly antigovernment, rejecting federal authority in favor of state or local authority, or rejecting government authority entirely. It may include groups and individuals that are dedicated to a single issue, such as opposition to abortion or immigration.

I think it’s time to watch my copy of It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World.

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best movie line taken out of context

It so applies to what is invariably happening all over the country today:

You know, it’s an interesting thing when you consider…the Earth people, who can think, are so frightened by those who cannot…