Author: Maria Johnson

Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of trouble, attempts what is above its strength…. It is therefore able to undertake all things, and it completes many things, and warrants them to take effect, where he who does not love would faint and lie down.

— Thomas a Kempis

my precious chickadees

Early tomorrow morning  we’ll drop off Jonathan’s stuff at Tech. It’ll all fit comfortably in the car so I don’t anticipate the kind of crazy ordeal we had with Christy, who essentially has an apartment to herself (and looking quite comfy with my guitar, thankyouverymuch). And that’s it. My little chicks will be scattered across the universe (overly dramatic? What’s the difference between California, Macon and the Delta Quadrant if I can’t step out with one of them for a cup of coffee on a whim?). Fear not — the drama is just that, drama, but there is certainly a collection of feelings that shouldn’t be able to co-exist in my head and heart, and yet they do.

I am so proud of them for figuring out what they need to do and going for it. It’s been stressful for them and us, and not an easy thing to do (for any of us). I’d like to still be able to manage every move they make, approve their friends, suggest their next steps, tell them what to do. They’ve been just fine — I’m the one that has had to learn to let go…they’ve pretty much been making their own good (and sometimes bad) decisions on their own for a while.

So, I guess my role now is to kiss them goodbye and remind them that home is never far away. That I will always love them. That there’s always a light on in the kitchen. That they should remember who they are and where they come from. That their actions and choices have consequences. That God loves them. That prayer is a balm. That they should remember to brush their teeth. That whites go in hot water and colors in cold. That there’s safety in numbers. That there’s nothing cozier than a hoodie and a hot chocolate on a cold night.

That an occasional text message to their mother will alleviate her neuroses.

little joys

  • fresh coffee
  • fluffy towels
  • a well-timed text message
  • loud music
  • my blue uni-ball gel pen
  • my pillow
  • air-conditioning
  • tacos!
  • a well-placed carress
  • hummingbirds
  • freshly sharpened pencils
  • soft music
  • XXL-sized kid crawling into bed for some TLC
  • Coke with lots of ice
  • playing footsies in bed

I wanna hold your hand

I like to people watch. I don’t know when this habit developed, but I can say for sure that by the time I was in high school it was a pretty honed skill. I wish I could say that it has always been used for good, but…well…it includes (still) countless hours of entertainment for purely selfish reasons and less-than-honorable voyeuristic mockery. Shame on me. I’d go to confession over it, but don’t you know I’d rather follow St. Augustine’s example and wait just a little more before I have a conversion about it.

On my way back from lunch I saw a pretty sketchy-looking couple, walking in a pretty sketchy area, and they were holding hands. My typical reaction is to spout off some awful comment, but  I’m a sucker for hand-holding. Any kind. Lovers. Children. Parents and their children. It’s a beautifully intimate act. To place one’s hand in another’s is a joining of so many things: solidarity, companionship, strength, and trust.

That’s why when we give up control, we say that “things are out of our hands.”

Often our greatest  and most difficult act is to relinquish our poor hold on control and place our sorrows and our desires in God’s hands.  I don’t know why that’s so tough…we lead our children by the hand; we hold each other up by the hand; we place our hearts in our lovers’ hands…why the reticence with God?

“See, upon the palms of my hands I have written your name” Isaiah 49:16

Is there a safer place to be? I’d like to give the quick, obvious answer to that, but I am weak and my head doesn’t always do what my heart says. Or maybe it’s the other way around – my heart doesn’t seem to respond to what my head says.

Perhaps my fascination with hand-holding is an unconscious response to this truth – that if I can so easily slip my hand into someone else’s, how much more comforting and accessible is God’s own hand.

Whose hand do you like to hold?

Grace Hall

I spent the whole day today in a place named Grace Hall.

No kidding. I couldn’t make this up.

See, I’ve been praying for grace. A lot. Me and God, we have this relationship that goes something like this:

Me: Hi God, it’s me again.

God: …

Me: Yeah. I know I’ve been a slacker. I meant to do that stuff. But, I didn’t. I’m sorry.

God: …

Me: I know. You always do. And I don’t always appreciate it.

God: …

Me: Thank you. I really mean it even though my execution is often done poorly.

So I’ve been asking for this thing, grace.

  • The grace to make charitable change in the face of adversity.
  • The grace to change things about myself that are unpleasant, unhealthy, unholy, un…un…un.
  • The grace to love unconditionally.
  • The grace to allow myself to be loved unconditionally in return.
  • The grace to smile more, laugh more, and yes…cry more.
  • The grace to see the grace that is in front of me.

So He planted me in front of this sign all day long, and I didn’t notice until I decided to listen to the messages in my voicemail. Um, 27 voicemail messages (I have no excuse — I’m not even going to try). I didn’t have anything pressing since I always returned missed calls, so I kept pressing ignore, but there was the need to play through and delete…27 times.

Sometimes I have so much noise inside my head that I don’t hear God speak to me, but I heard Him 27 times today — in the voices of friends and strangers, and folks in between. Some of those voices were new friends and contacts expanding my world a little at a time, and a few were just people checking in to follow up with something and not likely to stay around. Most, however, were the same voices of loved ones, over and over again. Cheerful. Happy. Constant.

I found myself listening to the messages in their entirety, the content long-resolved, but the voices, one after the other, filled me. They filled me with their grace.

And my prayers were answered.

____________________________

…keep me where the Light is…

Four things

the detestable meme…sign that I should post something but have nothing to say….:)

Four jobs I’ve had
  1. bartender
  2. test supervisor for ETS
  3. technical writer
  4. writing therapist
Four movies I can watch over and over
  1. An Affair to Remember
  2. Best Little Whorehouse in Texas
  3. Sleepless in Seattle (is that cheating with #1?)
  4. Ever After
Four places I’ve lived
  1. Santa Clara, Cuba
  2. Miami, Florida
  3. Aix-en-Provence, France
  4. Bamberg, Germany
Four TV shows I love
  1. House
  2. NCIS
  3. X-Files
  4. Glee
Four places I’ve vacationed
  1. Homer, Alaska
  2. Key West, Florida
  3. Cancun, Mexico
  4. Outer Banks
Four of my favorite dishes
  1. Roast pork with black beans and rice
  2. ice cream
  3. knishes with mustard from a street vendor
  4. anything new and delicious with a special friend
Four sites I visit daily
  1. facebook
  2. rosaryarmy.com
  3. sqpn.com
  4. twitter
Four places I would rather be right now
  1. the beach
  2. outer space
  3. the galapagos islands
  4. cuddling with my honey