egg on my face

not what I got click to see how it's done right

I’ve been known to do some pretty goofy things. I have an opinion about this, by the way. I think all people do goofy things, but unlike other people, I don’t mind sharing them.

For example, recently I twittered about accidentally using a quick tanning product as moisturizer. That one was definitely labeled #FAIL. I looked like a leopard. I wish I could have looked like a cougar (okay, no. definitely not).

Anyway, yeah. I had a splotchy arm that took days to fade.

Another time I thought it would be a good idea to use a leaf-blower to get rid of the dog hair in the house. Um. It worked! It removed all the hair instantly from the floor. It also deposited the hair on every single surface above the floor. Another #FAIL.

So this morning I had a hankering for a hard boiled egg. Of course, I thought about this long after I was dressed and had coffee and puttered around the house a little. In other words, I was ready to leave.

That’s when I put the egg on to boil. After a while I figured it had been boiling for an interminable amount of time, so I removed it from the heat and let it sit in the hot water for a bit while I set a load of laundry (because of course, it wouldn’t be a day in my life without laundry). As soon as I cracked it I knew it wasn’t done enough.

I hate runny eggs. I’m developing a gag reflex just writing about it here.

Unfortunately, I had already mashed the whole shell, so I just peeled it off and studied it for a moment. I really didn’t want to throw it away. I wasn’t going to eat it like that. [gag] And I wasn’t going to put it back on the stove for it to boil some more (hey, I’ve done that before — I was just late for work now).

In the tradition of leaf-blowers and tanning products, I thought it would be okay to stick it in the microwave.

Have you ever put an egg in the microwave? I’ve always heard they explode.

I didn’t want an exploding egg so I approached the situation scientifically. You know, because my degrees in English qualify me for such analysis.

I thought 10 seconds would be just enough to get it cooking and I could remove it and set it on the counter and wait for it to continue to cook itself. So that, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly what I did.

I stood in front of the microwave risking imminent danger to make sure the egg didn’t explode. I’m not quite sure what my presence watching was going to do in the prevention department, but since I live in a constant state of delusion anyway, I proceeded with the full confidence that there would be no explosion.

It worked! Evidently not only can I do laundry AND grade papers, my mere presence in front of the microwave can prevent culinary disasters. On to part II, letting the egg cool on the counter.

Hoo boy! There was a lot of steam coming off that egg. I was ever so confident that my plan had worked. This, gentle readers, is a first for me. I’ve never had a half-baked plan work out (maybe I should have considered that it was really just half-boiled).

In spite of my obvious success, I was still a little skeptical about the actual done-ness of the egg. I was certain that the yolk wasn’t quite done, so I proceeded to slice it in half–you know, just to make sure before I took a bite.

(Let me interrupt here to tell you that when I was in high school, my favorite thing to do in chemistry was make dust explosions. I don’t remember how to balance an equation, but I do know how to use an empty roll of paper towels and some sawdust for a little magic).

As soon as the knife cut through the egg I heard a pop followed by a combination of steam-cloud and dried egg yolk dust.

It was epic.

And I was late for work. I had to go wash my face and glasses.

10 thoughts on “egg on my face

  1. You had me roaring. I was hooked like I was reading a good suspense novel. Didn’t your Abuela ever give you mashed up soft boiled eggs as a child? I bet she did! 🙂

    1. My Abuela (and my mother) used to give me a RAW egg yolk in a little demi-tasse cup with a little salt on it. I slurped it down whole — the gag reflex is starting again 🙂

  2. What a great depiction of something that I’m sure caused you to guffaw, just a little, perhaps internally, despite the fact of being shell shocked.

    1. well, it was the guffaw heard ’round the world, because you are right, I laughed somewhere between the pop and the dust.

      I think I might have shaken my head like a puppy, too.

      1. That reminds me of my grandfather. He used to sit in his breakfast nook and shoot a pellet gun at squirrels raiding his bird feeder. He wasn’t really trying to hit them so much as scare them away.

        One day I came by and found a small perfectly formed hole in his sliding glass door. Pappy, as we called him, was standing there with the sheepish realization that I had caught him in the act of firing through a closed door.

        It was a special bonding moment with the greatest mentor I’ve had.

  3. Oh, María… I’m sorry you had to discover what not to do the hard way… Did you have to clean anything else?

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