the darndest things chase me down and beat me over the head

I came across this quotation from Flannery O’Connor. Look, I fail to attribute it correctly because I was gonna get around to doing something with this in a lesson, and the scrap ended up hijacked by the blotter, and you know, out of sight out of mind. I’m sure I used something appropriate in its place.

“Don’t expect faith to clear things up for you.

It is trust — not certainty.”

Nice, isn’t it? At the time I wrote it down I must have had some thoughts about trust:  no doubt, trusting in God’s plan (the rest of the quote is talking about faith, after all). Whatever, it was clearly not terribly meaningful at the time beyond the obvious clear message that faith is an act of will, right?

It is, isn’t it? An act — an action! — of the will.To choose to believe, to choose to trust is a hard thing to do.

I like my control issues. They make me comfortable. I like to know that if I do x thing, I will get y. There’s a comfort in that kind of control because I feel that I can influence any outcome based on me and my whims and desires.

Oh my. Kinda messes with the priorities. A little selfish, Maria? Hmmm?

It’s more than that, though. It’s more than feeling I know best for myself, it’s also, and this is the startling part, putting a very particular kind of yoke around my neck. If I do not let go of this control and open myself to the possibilities that God has in store for me, then boy, I’m a loser.

I am choosing the ham sandwich that I can see behind Door #1 because I happen to like ham sandwiches, and don’t dare to believe that behind Door #2 could be filet mignon, or that behind Door #3 is something so wildly beyond my teeny and uncreative imagination that I can’t even imagine it.

I am choosing what I know and what I am comfortable with because I do not trust that there could be something better for me behind Door #2 or Door #3. That is a very sad statement indeed. I do not trust. I do not trust.

That realization hit pretty hard, I’m not going to lie. And I’m going to say, before I sound too pathetic, that it isn’t necessarily a constant state, but something that I must continually work on when it sneaks up on me.

The challenge is in believing that I am worthy of whatever is behind Door #3. I want it. I really do. And I believe that whatever is behind that door is especially for me. I just need to walk myself on over to it and open it.

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