I turn my sights on Linkedin, where I’ve been staring at my profile for hours wondering what I should do.
It was easier on the playground, wasn’t it? A round of One Potato Two Potatoes took care of everything.
My day started rather early — before 7, took a quick shower, grabbed a bite, and then settled into the lousy routine of figuring out what to wear.
No, I am not some coy clothes horse. I have lost a little weight. Okay, I’ve lost a lot of weight. Something like a whole little kindergarten person. That’s a good thing. However, it has presented a bit of a wardrobe problem. It’s not like I can go shopping every day, and so I’ve kind of shopped as I’ve lost. That means stuff I wore last month is useless.
Cue this morning’s dilema. I had to dress for graduation (you want to know why I was going to commencement in the middle of July? I ask myself that question every July, too) which means I have to find a black or dark dress to wear under the regalia. Yes, that’s an awful lot of black for July in Georgia. Thank God for air-conditioning: the eighth wonder of the modern world.
Anyway, the night before I dusted off the robe feeling all Hogwarts and stuff, and untangled the little tassle-thingie, inspected the hood which is looking a little ratty, and hung up a navy dress next to the robe. It looked good hanging in the bathroom.
And then this morning, I put on the dress. Let’s say it wasn’t a good fit and let it go, okay? I mean, I really could smuggle my kindergarten-age nephew in the dress, and maybe squeeze my godson in for good measure. It wasn’t a good look for me.
At that hour, without waking up John or agitating the dog who was already looking at me funny, I had to find an alternate. Luckily, there was a black dress that looked like it would fit, only it was sleeveless, and let me tell you that I’m not wearing anything sleeveless until I start going to the gym, but heck, I was going to have the robes, so no one was going to see my arms. It fit better than the other one and has a tie in the back so it actually looked fairly good on me. The only thing missing was pantyhose, and I have a secret stash of that for these kinds of emergencies.
By the way, we are required to wear the hose if you can beleive it (I guess the men are wearing ties). Perfect! I looked grand. Or at least, like faculty should, so I proceeded on my merry way, stopping by the office on a small errand.
If ever the fates have smiled upon me it was today to have me go by the office. As I walked the 50 feet into the building I could feel that the queen-size pantyhose were coming loose. By the time I got to my office, they were by my knees and falling quickly. Can you imagine if that had happened in the processional? LOL, gives a new name to pomp and circumstance.
I’d like to stop here to thank my parents for teaching me to be adaptable and resourceful.
I locked my door, grabbed a rubberband, hiked the dress up, tied a knot in the hose, and went on my merry way.
By the way, graduation was lovely, as always.
Consequently, I ignore every single one of them. I didn’t always ignore them because like just about everybody else, I felt an obligation to respond. Okay, and if I am being brutally honest, also because they are kinda neat. Only, really, they can be very consuming so I took my kids’ advice and ignore them. Evidently it is very uncool to be tied to the apps anyway, so there. Y’all know how tied I am to the cool factor.
Anyway, lest you feel that I am giving you the cold shoulder or that I am somehow too cool for you when I hit that “ignore” button, know that I do stop and read what you’ve thrown at me, or sent me, or otherwise wish to share with me, and I appreciate it. Don’t stop sending me things, just know that like my father’s ad nauseum forwards (which are now a part of the family folklore and thus a necessary tradition) they will be promptly deleted.
With that explanation out of the way, let me share today’s facebook invitation, courtesy of my sister. This is the text of the invitation:
*Hey, I added you as my relative. Could you do me a favor and add this application, then add your relatives too? This way I can see who on facebook I am related to…
Not a recommened technique, nevertheless, effective. While making homemade creamed spinach, I couldn’t get the bag open, so I thought it would be an entertaining way to open the bag by dramatically (i.e., in an over-the-top theatrical way) hack at the bag with a gigantic ham knife.
I hacked at my thumb instead.
[pause for appropriate heckling and mockery]
I finally got my thumb to stop bleeding by applying a frozen spinach leaf to it. Note to self: when facing life-threatening bleeding, a frozen chunk of produce could work in the absence of a tourniquet.
Maybe not, but the pictures are worthy of mockery.
*For the record, and in an attempt to garner sympathy, the wound is very deep and very painful, and bled for a really really long time and no one in my vicinity offered any kind or soothing words. The meanies called my parents so I could get long distance mockery.
Assignment: The Annual Physics Pumpkin Drop
Purpose: To test the effects of acceleration and other physics stuff that I don’t understand.
Outcome: See for yoursef. You don’t have to be Albert Einstein or Isaac Newton to know what happens when Jonathan gets to play with water balloons and jello molds.